Awkward first time
by SUITOFSKIN
Summary: The first known time Crowley and Aziraphale have sex, it's beyond awkward for many, many reasons.


Awkward first time

It was inevitable really, when that much sexual tension builds up for thousands of years, something would happen. The fact it took so long for it to happen was considered a long shot.* A few years after the armageddon that wasn't, on a rainy London night much like any other they were coming back from their favorite spot and maybe a bottle had been consumed and maybe a few G&Ts for the road, so neither Crowley or Aziraphale was exactly sober. The kiss was unexpected and generally messy, more of smushing of lips, than anything.

Crowley pulled back. "So that happened."

Aziraphale looked at him eager but apprehensive. "Do you think it was wise? Neither of us are sober and I don't want to ruin anything."

"Right," Crowley asked. "Does it matter, if we are or aren't?"

"I suppose not," Aziraphale replied. "_In vino veritas, in aqua sanitas,_ in wine there is truth, after all."

"Well then, do you want to do again?" Crowley asked smiling.

Aziraphale looked away and blushed. "…Yes."

And lunged for Crowley's face. It wasn't exactly a great kiss: too much tongue, teeth and spit.

Crowley pulled away again. "Hold on, Hold on, not like that."

Aziraphale looked confused and a bit offended. "It's not, and how would you know?"

"Hey, who do you think taught Judas how to kiss?" Crowley smirked.

Aziraphale sulked for a moment. "Then show me, the 'right way' to kiss."

Crowley resented that, but decided now was not the time to pass up an opportunity no matter how drunken or sarcastic it was. So he kissed him, correctly, trying to guide his overeager partner into something like respectable song. It was perfect, soft, warm, yielding, with the right amount tongue and no slobber whatsoever. Then some absolute cunt shouted: "GET A ROOM, FAGGOTS!"

From a passing car and quickly crashed horribly into empty nearby bus shelter that happened to happened to be full of wasps.**

"Yours or mine, then?" Crowley asked.

"Erm, I don't have a flat, I just have a bookshop." Aziraphale repealed.

"Never done it in a bookshop," Crowley shrugged.

"We're not doing it there," Aziraphale said. "Think of the books!"

"What? It'll offend them?" Crowley asked.

And took Aziraphale's hand, they were instantly transported to Crowley's luxury flat.

"Oh, so this where you live," Aziraphale said. "I didn't expect…."

"What?" Crowley asked.

"All the plants, you never stuck me as the sort to like pot plants." Aziraphale mused touching a leaf.

"Well, I do." Crowley said nervously.

"They're nice." Aziraphale grinned.

He put his hand back into Crowley's and they walked off to the bedroom,

"….So yeah, I do sleep, it's relaxing and it passes the time, I spent most of the 19ht century asleep." Crowley said.

"Not all of it, though." Aizrpahale pointed out.

The bed was huge California King, with black silk sheets, a black duvet and a headboard made of Ebony carved in a way that would Catherine the great blush .***

As they passed in from of the bed both had somehow mysteriously changed into what each considered night clothes. Crowley in red satin boxers and just red satin boxers. Aziraphale in a fez, a white terrycloth bathrobe, and a pair of grey and white striped pajamas.

"A fez!?"

"Yes, what, isn't what gentlemen wear to retire to the bedchamber?"

"Maybe in 1887…." Crowley said.

"Your bed is making me feel uncomfortable, does it have to feature so many….graphic examples of ..."

"Ah well," Crowley bounced down onto the duvet, there was ripple. "There have been times when I had to do a bit of corrupting this way. Besides I'm a demon what did you expect."

Aziraphale tested the surface of the bed before laying down on it, looking like a chicken feather in an oil slick. "It's a waterbed," And he looked up. "A mirror on the ceiling, that's a bit clichéd isn—"

Crowley stopped his words with a kiss, slowly kissing down Aziraphale's neck and down to his exposed collarbone, The angel moaned and reached out for Crowley, who causally knocked off Aziraphale's fez. The angel didn't seem to care, nor when Crowley stripped off his bathrobe, it was when Crowley began to undo the top button of Aziraphale's pajamas that he was stopped.

"Crowley… I'm not…. " Aziraphale began.

"C'mon you want this," Crowley purred. "We both do…"

Aziraphale looked away. "I don't think you'll like what you see."

"Of course I will!"

In a flash the pajamas were gone.

"FUCK ME, You're A pudgy KENDOLL!"

"I'VE LITERALLY NEVER BEEN NAKED!"

"Look, I'm sorry, I know your nervous and it's your first time, I'm sorry…" Crowley looked again. "You don't even have nipples!"

"You're not making this easy, you know."

"Alright, yes, don't leave. Just try and manifest a naked human male body, I know we've both seen them before"

"I'm too anxious now."

"Angel, please… if I didn't want you would I have gone to all this trouble, you know me, I love you."

"Erm, right. Yes, nipples."

Aziraphale closed his eyes and concentrated.

"That's too many," Crowley commented.

"Oh sorry got distracted was thinking of cats," Aziraphale said.

Aziraphale concentrated again.

"Yep that's right, nice amount of chest hair too." Crowley said slithering closer. "Now for the other bit."

"Oh right yes," Aziraphale said.

"Erm, that's cloaca." Crowley said, he took Aziraphale's hand. "Think human male, think someone that err, impressed you in that department."

"Hmmm right," Azirpahale said.

"Yes that's it, that's perfect!" Crowley said.

Crowley pulled into him a passionate kiss, that kept going and going and going. The angel was a quick learner about that, it was was getting too much for Crowley He flipped Aziraphale over.

"…what?" Aziraphale said hesitantly.

"You didn't manifest an arsehole."

"No…? I thought I'd be 'riding' or we'd do other things…"

"Well, you could have told me beforehand." Crowley grumbled and bottle of lube appeared in his hand, and he slid out of his shorts.

They maneuvered into position.

"Are you ready?" Aziraphale asked, because at the moment he was sure he couldn't be more ready, he was so ready it hurt.

"Yes," Crowley mumbled.

"You want this?" Aziraphale asked.

"Yes, get on with it' Crowley said.

"Yes… well… right," Aziraphale said, he thrust forward, nope missed, no missed again. Yes, well… Right, he nearly overbalanced, then one more time and it worked! He was….

"OW!" Crowley moaned. "Watch the angle!"

"Right, sorry, new body part a bit too eager to use it, I'll try again." Aziraphale said. "You know I ran across a copy of the Karma Sutra once…"

"…We are NOT doing that, just slow down and keep cool." Crowley grumbled. "Now just point, aim and gently, gently…."

And he did, and they did. And it was glorious but rather short, the first time, the second time it was stuttering and fumbling but soon a better rhythm was developed. The third time was brilliant and the fourth….

After abut two days, much soreness, some showers and miracling away the mess on the sheets more times than one could count. They lay exhausted.

"So how do you sleep," Aziraphale asked exhausted, contented in Crowley's arms.

"Well you just close your eyes and….let go." Crowley said.

"That sounds nicccee," Aziraphale slurred, closed his eyes, began to yes sleep.

Crowley was about to do the same when he heard a low rumbling snore come out of Aziraphale's mouth.

Crowley groaned, pulled a pillow over his head.


End file.
